Random Jokes

Here is a little collection of jokes that tickled my funny bone.

1.
A prisoner escapes from his prison where he had been kept for 15 years. As he runs away, he finds a house and breaks into it looking for money and guns, but he finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed, ties him up on a chair. While tying the girl up to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her on the neck, then gets up, and goes to the bathroom.
While he is in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in prison, and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, just do what he tells you, give him satisfaction. This guy must be dangerous, if he gets angry, he will kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which the wife responds, "He was not kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay and found you very sexy and asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom. Be strong, honey. I love you too..."

2.
One particular Christmas season a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip, but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.
When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked, and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had hidden the liquor, and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritable Santa trudged to the door. He opened the door, and there was a little angel with a great Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.

3
Three guys and a girl are marooned on a desert island.
After one week, the girl is so ashamed of what she's doing, she kills herself.

After another week, the guys are so ashamed of what they're doing, they bury her.

After yet another week, they're so ashamed of what they're doing, they dig her up again.

4.
An old farmer decided it was time to get a new rooster for his hens. The current rooster was still doing an okay job, but he was getting on in years. And the farmer figured getting a new rooster couldn't hurt anything. So he bought a young one from the local rooster emporium, and turned him loose in the barnyard.
The old rooster saw the young one strutting around and he got a little worried. "So, they're trying to replace me," thought the old rooster. "I've got to do something about this."

He walked up to the new bird and said, "So you're the new stud in town? I bet you really think you're hot stuff, don't you? Well, I'm not ready for the chopping block yet. I'll bet I'm still the better bird. And to prove it, I challenge you to a race around that hen house over there. We'll run around it ten times and whoever finishes first gets to have all the hens for himself."

The young rooster was of a proud sort, and he definitely thought he was more than a match for the old guy. "You're on," said the young rooster. "And since I know I'm so great, I'll even give you a head start of half a lap. I'll still win easy!"

So the two roosters went over to the hen house to start the race with all the hens gathering around to watch. The race begun and all the hens started cheering the roosters on.

After the first lap, the old rooster was still maintaining his lead. After the second lap, the old guy's lead had slipped a little but he was still hanging in there. Unfortunately the old rooster's lead continued to slip each time around, and by the fifth lap he was just barely in front of the young rooster.

By now the farmer heard all the commotion. He ran into the house, took his shotgun, and ran out to the barnyard figuring a fox or something was after his chickens. When he got there, he saw the two roosters running around the hen house, with the old rooster still running and panting heavily slightly in the lead. He immediately took his shotgun, aimed, fired, and blew the young rooster away.

As he walked away slowly, he thought to himself, "Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month..."

5.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks.
"I've somethin' to tell ya."

"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But
where's my husband?"

"That's what I'm here to be tellin' ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery..."

"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me..."

"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."

Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"

"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout and
drowned."

"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?"
"Well, no, Brenda... no."
"No?"
"Fact is, he got out three times to pee."

6.
A preacher wanted to raise money for his church and on being told that there was a fortune in horse racing, decided to purchase one and enter it in the races. However at the local auction, the going price for horses was so high that he ended up buying a donkey instead. He figured that since he had it, he might as well go ahead and enter it in the races. To his surprise, the donkey came in third!
The next day the local paper carried this headline:
'PREACHER'S ASS SHOWS NICE PROSPECT'

The preacher was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and this time it won.
The paper read:
'PREACHER'S ASS OUT IN FRONT'

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the preacher not to enter the donkey in another race.
The paper headline read:
'BISHOP SCRATCHES PREACHER'S ASS'

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the preacher to get rid of the donkey.
The preacher decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.
The paper headline the next day read:
'NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN'

The Bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.00.
Next day the headline read:
'NUN SELLS ASS FOR 10 Dollars'

This was too much for the Bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey, lead it to the plains where it could run wild and free.
Next day, the headline in the paper read:
'NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE'.

The Bishop was buried the next day.