Jacob's Ladder

The fledgling flames of the flickering lamp throws around a floral pattern of luminous philosophy, tiny spots of unheeded shadows playing around the equally minuscule specks of light like butterflies chasing their own reflections in a pool, a yin-yang chakra in constant motion unperturbed by the worldly laws and wisdom. It's amazing how the saddest of things are capable of describing the utmost beauty and I am overwhelmed by this sight which, in its tragedy, is reminiscent of two doomed lovers seeking each other. The one looks for the other with unfailing vigor and a constantly growing sense of desperation, unaware of the fact that the laws of the world have decreed that they are never ever to meet.

The passing of the time increases the desperation of the two and gives the world another round of victory. Every time the howling wind stops and the flame comes to a halt, the two lovers seemingly having given up and resigning to their fate, I hold my breath fearing the worst but still hoping. Then the gale picks up and the lovers are back on the trail. Like a child at play, unfazed by the bruises and after paying the due diligence to the wounds, they pick themselves up at every fall and continue on their quest.


In my heart I wish to save one, just one, doomed love believing that doing so will somehow ease my own pain, bring solace to my heart and give me a reason to live. But so far that hasn’t happened and it’s the reason I'm here, sitting atop this lonely mountain peak in the calm darkness that surrounds it like my life, contemplating what I could have done to save my love from its tragic end and knowing that I’m all out of options, determined to End It All.

Like light and dark, we two were totally opposites, poles apart. She was the warm glowing fire to my cold unmelting ice. Together, we would have completed each other. She showed me what I was missing and that triggered my desire to be with her, to be complete. But what I had to offer her was nothing compared to her's, for you see, all the virtues god had already given her and I, even though the missing set, was all vices. I gave up my bad habits to be with her. The progress, though slow, was steady but unfortunately it was a day late and a dollar short.
It’s impossible to go back to life knowing that you'll always be incomplete.

One time the wind stops for a long time and the specks of shadow and light come to a gloomy halt. My heart skips a beat, have they grown aware of the restriction imposed over them? Are they really giving up? Please god, don't let it be so. I silently tell them to get moving, just get up and give it one more shot, but nothing happens. With desperate breath I plead to them to hold on a little bit longer, please don’t give up, please get up. The looming silence is almost broken by my silent pleadings but they do not move. I know that even if they invest eternity, they will never be able to meet except for a hair-thin veil at the tip where they touch for an almost non-existent space and duration, But for some reason I did not want to acknowledge this bitter truth. The reason is my naive belief that life is fair even in the face of the darkest depression and faith. I feel like I'm about to loose my faith and am damn near tears.

GET UP, I scream. My words echo around the hovering emptiness and as if scared, the wind picks up the very instant. I am relieved to see the game back on but the tragic realization is still to come and even though I know it, I try to silence the voice of reason prophesizing the impending doom of the daring duo. The winds register a ferocious speed, hell-bent on extinguishing the flame and after a few rounds of fight, the flame gives up. In a fraction of an instant its over, the light extinguished, the lover gone

I am waiting to be struck by a tide of anger but strangely it doesn't happen. Maybe it’s the total darkness that now surrounds me which is keeping me at peace or maybe it's because of the vigorous passion in that last dash of the shadow to touch its lover before the end, regardless I feel at peace. Sad, but at peace. After all it’s the law of the world to not shed a tear at one extinguished lamp; another one will burn and continue to light-up the world.

The end doesn’t scare me anymore. I walk up to the edge of the hill and as I look down in the dark abyss a single drop of tear falls down as I remember the face that gave me my life, the friends who brightened my days, the teachers who gave me the knowledge of matters broad and wide, the aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, nephew, nieces, my friends and foes who made the journey so far extremely colorful, the god who made her and She, who made those few months, the best of my life.

The last few steps are always the hardest. At this height, the wind shakes everything it touches to the core.I am tired and close my eyes, instantly I can feel at peace. As I let go,I wonder if the coming morning will be beautiful. I fall in the quiet comforting darkness as if I'm going to sleep for the first time.

I wonder if I'll dream.